Original Small Talk

I've worked for a long time to make small talk meaningful. From my experience, even standing in line in a supermarket talking to others can be a fascinating experience, if one of us can figure out what we have to offer each other in the time we have together to spend now.

What I look for in others to indicate what this "magic topic" might be, beyond the niceties of over-used one-liners. Now, how do I do this in such a short time? Turns out it pays off to examine the assumptions of social cliche` and come up with other avenues that yield high-interest answers.

To do this yourself, you would follow the same routine as others expect, but ask similar essential questions that are more to the point than the stock questions. I came up with these alternate questions by wondering, "Why is this common social question really being asked?"

For instance, "Where did you grow up?" This is a question with the motive to find out what environment made the person who they are. So I'd avoid asking that question in a way that will illicit the answer of a town or specific location. Instead, I might ask, "Can you describe environments that you most enjoyed playing in as a kid? What did you like about those sorts of places? Do you ever do something like that now?"

Different answers to the same question, (Why is this question being asked?) will point in alternate directions. Perhaps, this question of "Where did you grow up?" might be: to find out what subculture influenced childhood. So why not ask that as a direct question? "What sort of subculture shaped your early experience?"

Obviously, this is a technique that can offer high yield possibilities for any set of mundane conversations that would be under the heading of "small talk." It can also be a source of humor. "Where did you come from?" This can now be answered with a smirk, "My mother of course - wasn't that true for you too?"

Tags: Dialogue, conversation, dialog, skills, social

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Comment by Franis on January 7, 2012 at 11:51: Luis, I like your reach-retreat rhythm observation. Some people need much more effort to read and engage with them than others do, because they're aggressive in how they put themselves forward, and don't know about that rhythm thing so they don't leave a very big gap that indicates it's OK for you to jump in and talk next.

I find that conversations about people's health issues insanely boring too - unless I love the person and want to give them a chance to talk about their health issues to someone.

Actually lately I've been talking to people about how they found and negotiated a mentor/apprentice relationship. It's been a fascinating thing to poll people about, if and how... But that's another conversation entirely.

Luis wrote: There exists quite a bit of diversity on this 'opening' communication, and the rules are quite clear. Break them at one's own peril. ... it is best to first KNOW the rules, before one starts to break them. Demolition is an art form. Approached with sledge hammer tactics; communication can easily go awry.

I used to think it was "good for people" to touch other people more often. So I investigated and tried ways to get people used to touching me and their friends and family more often - to break down communication barriers. But I stopped, as a fad had started to accuse grownups of molesting kids. That fad has died down, and I don't know many people who have kids now, so maybe I should start up touching people more often again.

Yes, I played a game with myself and attempted to come up with an interesting answer anytime someone asked me "How are you?" Adverbs are fun, because they can be random.

Using my game of reinterpreting the question give me various possibilities of how to answer originally; so - "How are you? now gets translated to: "What are you doing?" What mood are you in at the moment?" "I hope I am not going to bite my head off if I talk to you at this moment?" "What am I interrupting?" "What have you been thinking about?" "Are you pre-occupied and is an interruption of your internal monologue OK?" "What is the name of the party am I joining right now?"

Comment by Franis on January 7, 2012 at 11:12: Yeah, in my family, we never complained. Then I went out into the rest of the world. I have a rule about complaining - make it original or funny - and I'll enjoy. As long as we end up laughing, it's great. Some of the best comedy comes from complaining.

If people insist on complaining in my presence without making it funny, then they must deal with Franis The Armchair Psychologist, Entrepreneur and Fun Fascist Manager. Most people don't want to hear my oddly empathetic observations from their bosses' point of view, so they stop complaining around me. It's painful for most to get helpfully psychoanalyzed, so I use that talent to administer a backhanded sort of punishment. It works great. ;o)

Comment by Franis on January 7, 2012 at 11:02: Hey guys, I haven't had negative reactions to my wacky rephrasing of questions; mostly curious answers and the comment of it being interesting and harmless to answer. But I'm a woman. But you did point out an interesting thing, that questions are taken as a threat to disclose information, which later may be used against you in ways you could not imagine. Fear usually comes up when someone suspects your motive. But from the often goofy way I look and my disarming body language, strangers seldom back away from my unusual questions to them...always in the context of other normal social interactions.

Comment by jf on January 5, 2012 at 14:48: Hello Kim!.

I had the impression that both you and the Member LOL, have reacted to the same cause, in a similar way. After you have placed your black hats, to identify possible negative reactions of people to the questions.

In other words, the two are agree, in that the questions can generate some evil persons. On the basis of this perception of Black Hat, you have proposed a new alternative.

If not understand evil. Is your alternative to describe what you are seeing, for aligning the perceptions?.

If you and I we find ourselves, we began a conversation. I begin to ask you for the clothes they wear, you hair, the colony will have missed... is this your alternative?

If this is your alternative, I think it is logical to remind you that people already know what takes place. Normally, before going out into the street, you look in a mirror.
This kind of conversations are normal, nothing special. And lose time. If and when you're not trying to fall in love with a beautiful woman.

Kim, I have not criticized the use of the Black Hat. It is just a comment, nothing more.

Best regards!.

*In Spanish*

Hola Kim!.

He tenido la impresión, que tanto usted como el miembro LOL, habéis reaccionado ante la misma causa, de un modo parecido. Después os habéis colocado vuestros sombreros negros, para identificar posibles reacciones negativas de la gente a las preguntas.

Es decir, los dos estáis deacuerdo, en que las preguntas pueden generar algún mal en las personas. Partiendo de esta percepción de sombrero negro, usted ha propuesto una nueva alternativa.

Si no la entendido mal. Su alternativa consiste en describir lo que estás viendo, para alinear las percepciones?.

Si usted y yo nos encontramos, comenzamos una conversación. Yo empiezo a preguntarte por la ropa que llevas, tú peinado, la colonia que te has echado...¿Es esta tú alternativa?

Si es esta tú alternativa, creo que es lógico que te recuerde que la gente ya sabe lo que lleva puesto. Normalmente, antes de salir a la calle, te miras en un espejo.
Este tipo de conversaciones, son normales, no tienen nada de especial. Y pierdes el tiempo. Siempre y cuando, no estés tratando de enamorar a una bella mujer.

Kim, no he criticado la utilización del sombrero negro. Es solo un comentario, nada más.

Saludos!.

Comment by jf on January 5, 2012 at 9:45: Interesting proposal Franis. It is wonderful to be able to escape from the ordinary, browsing something new and different, in a normal conversation. We should further develop this thread, and find new questions that shoot the perception to new modes of interaction.

I think that people accept any kind of question, provided that the issuer of the question is pleasant or person of confidence.

It appears that Member LOL and Kim, have been placed the black hat to fly over this issue.

LOL, is not my intention to criticize your response, but you should leave most of the box, your reaction seems too logical. I'm with you to show lack of confidence, but this action can kill many ideas. By that if you act has Yes to people, you mind may also do so with new ideas.
We cannot be against stiff and full of fear action. Do you have something to hide?.

Kim, I think that people look in the mirror before you leave. Do you know you're not a blind man. But, in my opinion, you are spending valuable time you graduate you perception in a self-centered way.
If you do it all over the world, you're one more.

Let's look at the innovation of entrepreneurs.

Best regards!

*IN SPANISH*

Interesante propuesta Franis. Es maravilloso poder escapar de lo ordinario, navegar por algo nuevo, y diferente, en una conversación normal. Deberíamos desarrollar más este hilo, y encontrarnos con nuevas preguntas que disparen la percepción a nuevos modos de interacción.

Creo que las personas aceptan cualquier tipo de pregunta, siempre y cuando, el emisor de la pregunta sea agradable o persona de confianza.

Parece ser, que los miembros LOL y Kim, se han colocado el sombrero Negro para sobrevolar este tema.

LOL, no es mi intención criticar tú respuesta, pero deberías salir más de la caja, tú reacción parece demasiado lógica. Estoy contigo en mostrar desconfianza, pero esta acción puede matar muchas ideas. Por que si actúas ha si frente a la gente, tú mente también podrá hacerlo frente a nuevas ideas.
Podemos estar frente a una acción rígida y llena de miedo. ¿Tienes algo que esconder?.

Kim, creo que la gente se mira en el espejo antes de salir. Puedes hacerle saber que no eres un ciego. Pero, en mi opinión, estás gastando un tiempo valioso en graduarte tú percepción de un modo egocéntrico.
Si haces lo que todo el mundo, eres uno más.

Observemos la innovación de los empresarios.

Saludos!

Comment by LoL on January 4, 2012 at 21:21: Whilst I appreciate the point, I have a suspicion ... nay certain knowledge ... that were some random encounter to result in the asking of such questions, I for one would feel that my interlocutor were being unacceptably 'pushy' ... invasive of my privacy in a manner that the stock questions do not represent in my experience

This is interesting because, abstractly, I am aware that my feelings are irrational, yet their very unusual nature automatically sets alarm bells ringing in my head because the eliciting of such detailed information from strangers does not, in my experience, bode well for the one being questioned

For instance, I recently ignored the question, from a complete stranger at a club, as to what my surname was - Why would a stranger want to know that? ... The very nature of such personal information being asked in such a detailed manner strikes me as suspicious

Why would a stranger want to know what subculture(s) I was influenced by? Why would they want to know what environments I liked the most? - Abstractly, I know I have no justification for it, but, nevertheless, I am distrustful of people who don't ask the stock questions ... or at least of people who ask in an unusual way