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Pat Buoncristiani
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Who am I?
I am an educator and an artist. I have been a school principal in both Australia and the USA and now work with my husband in both countries, in particular supporting schools and colleges that seek to develop students who are creative, skillful thinkers. Our work is based on the research about "How People Learn" (National Research Council), the effective teaching strategies identified by Robert Marzano, thinking strategies of Edward de Bono and most particularly on the Habits of Mind identified by Art Costa and Bena Kallick.
We also work with groups of senior citizens who are eager to both maintain and develop their thinking capacity and provide support to their grandchildren as they progress through the school system. We are looking to expand our work into the business environment, providing guidance in the development of thought filled work places where problems are resolved creatively and in a structured manner.
Most of our work can be viewed at our web site www.ThinkingAndLearningInConcert.org
My paintings can be seen at www.flickr.com/photos/patriciabuon
We also work with groups of senior citizens who are eager to both maintain and develop their thinking capacity and provide support to their grandchildren as they progress through the school system. We are looking to expand our work into the business environment, providing guidance in the development of thought filled work places where problems are resolved creatively and in a structured manner.
Most of our work can be viewed at our web site www.ThinkingAndLearningInConcert.org
My paintings can be seen at www.flickr.com/photos/patriciabuon
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Good point about context, body language and sensing someone's meaning beyond what they are actually saying.
I know for myself, being able to watch someone's acknowledgment is very handy. I often get the reaction from others that my interest in uncovering assumptions and spelling out what to most people is obvious comes across being misunderstood as... condescending. I "go back to basics" too often for many people. I think this is because I do not get the nod from someone that they are understanding me when writing. This message, you are correct, is often indicated non-verbally; "I get it, please continue to the next part of what you want to say..." I write much more than I talk, actually. Or my talking volume is less than the long-windedness of my writing. Think it's because non-verbal cues and messages are so effective.
I do not often "write someone off my list". I wait to see how they respond. I'm looking to see what they do when their response is deliberate and not merely an irresistable reaction.
In a sense, nobody can help where they are starting from...but they can help what they do from this point forward. Essentially, you negotiate together how you are going to treat each other as well as talk "about" what you are discussing. In Phil's case, since his urge was to apologize very articulately and point out that he has even less social skills than the average bear because of the isolating quality of his work... This sort of thing motivates me to forgive him for what he wrote to you.
For me, it's important how someone responds during conflict, not any particular thing they do, (unless the content of what they do is across my boundary.) Perhaps Phil has already crossed yours, which of course would motivate you to eliminate interacting with him at all and that is certainly your right.
Because of the frank and prompt nature of it, I respect Phil's response, although I also completely agree with your conclusions about the nature of what he wrote to you that caused the conflict. But then, I find people who have less of a clue about social skills to be interesting in their own unique ways... If you can get them to behave!
The first time someone does something objectionable that affects me, I am motivated to forgive them. The second, I give them a warning about what upset me that they did and why. The third time, I then decide if I want to write them off my list, or if I want to use what their short-comings to teach me something about myself or people like them. I may tell them that their behavior is difficult and probably they have heard this before. They may have something to offer me about how I need to regard the meaning of their actions that I may be misinterpreting. Taking for granted that perhaps they don't have enough information about how their behavior affects others who merely withdraw, I articulate my own and perhaps a more general social boundary that they have crossed and clearly reiterate how I expect to be treated. Perhaps I take measures to make sure they will not impact my life in a negative way so I can limit their influence on me personally. This may mean withdrawing, but more often it means a eye-opening loss of trust or possible intimacy level.
It's only after the fourth time that I might write them off my list. This will be motivated by my general tolerance level at the time. Someone who is able to yell at me in person will emotionally motivate me to get away from them much more than someone with whom I'm corresponding with in writing. Writing insulates me from being affected by someone else's emotional reactions.
Even then once I have decided this person is "toxic" and decide to bar them from my life, it's not forever. I maybe will check back to see if they learned anything over time.
Welcome to the website and thanks for the contribution. I'm putting a list of topics together for upcoming podcasts and will be sure to include your questions on education.