My Engagement Proposal
(Here is the context of this discussion)
PO, Instead of me complaining at the end of a relationship/friendship, after they finally get to know how I prefer to be treated and they then realise that I was not suited to them as a friend or possible partner,
I propose that I put my preferences, of how I would like to be treated, upfront.
This means making my implicit demands for relating more explicit.
If anything it could save a lot of time and heart ache and who knows, I may have discovered/recovered a way to find my soul mate. Here are my preferences or explicit demands and I will be practicing using them in this discussion.
The rules of engagement that I prefer to interact with are, 6 words/concepts beginning with A. I would prefer that someone speaks to me with Adjustable, Accountable and ultimately Acceptable language.
That if/when someone fails to achieve this with me, I will try notify them using Appreciation, Acknowledgment and Apology (speech in defense).
*Please note: Any members that participate in this discussion should be aware that although I am not expecting, demanding, or imposing this framework upon them, I reserve the right to practice this framework in any posts and when someone uses what I consider non-adjustable, non-accountable or unacceptable language on me, I will try inform them using appreciation, acknowledgment and apology.
Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you and if you do not wish to participate I will understand.
Tags: Agreements, Engagement, Parallel, Talking
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on -
Just did a bit of research and found a review of his book:
http://www.amazon.com/review/R1B3JYNVCXS0LA/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R1...
I have not read it.
It is a book written 20 years ago where EdB interviews successful people and their tatics. some points from review:
- a positive attitude;
- knowing what you want to do;
- make the most of your own talent;
- energy, persistence, determination & singlemindedness seem important in all cases;
- there is always action i.e take a step & then the next step;
- a sense of integrity toward oneshelf & others;
- an expectation of success & the ability to think big;
- ability to set goals & targets, & also to have dreams;
- creativity & the ability to see things differently & to think new thoughts;
- both a seizing of opportunities & also a creation of opportunities;
- eagerness & enthusiasm & the willingness to make things happen;
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on
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I am not sure I explaied it so well.
The negotiations is between my brother and I. We are discussing ownership over his business idea and contract wth me doing all the execution and how much he should own and how much I should.
I am hoping to argue a 50/50 position, he is playing hard ball. Having the mindset to be willing to walk away is powerful I think.
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Permalink Reply by Avril Keyes on -
HI Des
Top of the morning to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Change-Directions-Perceive-Believe-Achieve/dp...
Here is a foreword written by Dr De Bono for a new book about change by Georges Phillips
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on
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I have just realised that the last 24 years of seeking an apology from my mum was illegitimate.
Illegitimate, because of the error in the process. Instead of confronting her privately with my dispute I confronted her in front of my dad which resulted in her denying it and effectively lying.
The first 7 years I thought I could simply expect an apology. I then had to apologise for that strategy because I hate anyone expecting anything of me. Then, some 10 years ago I thought that if I apologised first that I had the right to seek and wait on an apology from her. Well once again I was wrong.
I guess what I took away from the last 24 years is that I believe that I am left holding the can in a dispute with anyone, for not having an agreement on how we engage and disengage. That the best way to complain responsibly is to avoid the standoff in the first place.
Hence the desire to find a method of delivery that I can achieve such an agreement before any meaningful engagement. I guess most people understand this subconsciously and avoid any in-depth engagement rather than seek agreements on rules of engagement.
Aka throwing out the baby with the bath water, i.e. don’t talk about religion, politics, sex or engagement frameworks.
From now on if anyone has any complaints about me or the framework for engagement that my brother and I use, I suggest you get an agreement with me before we engage rather than after.
Otherwise all complaints in the future will simply be ignored.
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Permalink Reply by Avril Keyes on
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Hi Des
This is not a complaint so am relieved to feel that I personally do not belong to that category!
Standoffs are difficult to handle without a practical framework that works. Personally I have had no standoffs on the site and find that normal conversation flows naturally. Even so I do consciously use one or two de Bono tools to make decisions about which posts to reply to, which to ignore, what to say etc.
You must have been deeply hurt by your mother to wait 7 years for an apology.
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on
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Dennis your reply was deleted. Was that by you or someone else?
Anyway here is my reply to what you mentioned about how you think the site works.
"Thanks Dennis.
I think I have out grown the use of this site now and feel it might be time to move on. I do feel that the site is based on only using EdB tools and frameworks and I guess it is understandable that if one has ones own framework it can be seen as an invasion or a threat, which I am to some degree.
Anyway thanks for your support and thanks everyone for their participation."
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on
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Hi Avril, not really so much hurt just that I knew that it was one of those moments that I could use as an anchor for my life. It really has turned out to be such an event to utilise.
The funny thing about apologies is that they are such a rare breed and almost extinct on this planet. and something I learned from the experience.
It was a bit of a shock for me to realise that by expecting an apology for 24 years I was wrong but I am relieved that I can see it and admit it and apologise to my mum again for my expectations. My mum even laughed at my post here when I showed her, so she has no hard feelings.(she is 80 yo)
The point I was trying to make about complaints or "complaining responsibly" is that if anyone has a complaint with me then instead of airing their dirty linen here I think it would be better served (enhance the reputation of the site) if they just sent me a private message on the site.
If they still felt that they did not get satisfaction then they could involve one of the moderators and establish who said what. Then if still not satisified they could make a public posting exposing my inconsistencies. This would give me an opportunity to at least to acknowledge their issue, apologise and make any retractions where necessary.
So much more civilised for a site where we are espousing thinking tools and engagement frameworks, I think.
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Permalink Reply by Avril Keyes on
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Thanks Des, Good Thinking!
Dennis, yes, excellent book (Psycho Cybernetics). I gave my copy to an acquaintance who needed it more than me. [Not before I gave it a good read though!]
Since then, I have found fewer situations requiring apologies.
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on
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I 'll see if I check it out
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Permalink Reply by Desmond Sherlock on
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Thank Adonis but I am outta here. It is too hot in the kitchen for my liking.
I thnk the deck is stacked in the dealers favor.
See ya.
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